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Calling The Nation. . . Is Anybody Home?
Jonathan Pait
January 31, 2003

From the archives of The Common Voice

Boy, I didn’t realize how powerful I am. It was exciting to read Matt Bivens’ article “Gilead Is Nigh” in The Moscow Times. Mr. Bivens writes “The Daily Outrage” for The Nation. I think this particular op-ed should be a part of a new series named “The Daily Guffaw.”

He begins by pointing to what he calls the “three recommended Bible readings” for the day his article was written. These readings appeared on the Web site of Bob Jones University. You can see today’s passages by going to www.bju.edu. However, understand the passages are not listed to make some sort of point. The purpose is to give people a pattern to follow if they wish to read through the Bible in a year. I wonder what political point he might make when I Chronicles 7:1 – 40 appears as the day’s reading.

Unwilling to let go of all the fun he had in the 2000 Republican primary, Bivens states, “The school frowns upon mixing of races and only dropped a ban on inter-racial dating in 2000.” Funny, but interracial married students are applying and getting accepted and already some racially diverse students have become engaged (not to mention that BJU has had African-American students since the early 70s). Twenty years from now Bivens will still be writing “the school that only recently dropped a ban on inter-racial dating.”

But here is where we come to the funniest part. Bivens writes, “None of this would be terribly noteworthy if not for the weird hold this obscure place exerts on leading Republicans. Among the many politicians who have made speaking pilgrimages to the school are President George W. Bush and his attorney general, John Ashcroft.” Of course, deep in the recesses of the campus is a secret room with mind control equipment. These politicians can’t refuse to come and speak – it is mind control and not the fact that the school is the largest private Liberal Arts University in South Carolina with students from every state and over 40 different countries.

The latest example he gives of the control Bob Jones University has on the government is the appointment of Jerry Thacker to AIDS commission. I assume the mind control didn’t work in that case because Bush didn’t get the message infused into his synapses, “Whrrrrr. Whrrrrr. You must stand up for Jerry Thacker. Hiisss. You must not allow him to refuse the appointment. Shhhh. Whrrrr. Beep. You must appoint a BJU graduate over the Transportation Department.” Oops, you weren’t supposed to hear that last command.

Bush, he says, is a “Bob Jones-suckup.” He then intimates that Jerry would actually advise Bush not to combat AIDS! Of course, if Bush is a “Bob Jones-suckup” why does Bivens report that Bush had his press secretary back off of the issue and blame Tommy Thompson?

We also learn that the BJU mind control machine goes beyond the Oval Office. “So many Bob Jones sympathizers are seeded throughout the Bush Administration, it seems no one can keep track of them anymore,” Bivens tells us. Boy, I sure would like to meet some of these sympathizers!

Well, I’ve got to go check on our latest project down in the mind control department. We’re researching for a way to control the minds of The Nation – no, not the country, the magazine. Problem is, we’ve been scanning for months now and our machine has not been able to find anything with which to connect.

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