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October 25, 2006 | South Carolina Headlines


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Cruise Missile - a parody
Jonathan Pait
November 13, 2001

The Common Voice is always interested in helping our readers express themselves. Being fervent supporters of a liberal arts approach to education, we find great joy in helping our friends bring out the "poet within."

In that spirit we present to you this work of art by a reader in Gray Court. We trust you will enjoy it--if you don't. . . Well, then come up with something better!

Thanks, Tim.

FROM: Tim Smith
Gray Court, SC
TO: Editor, Upstate Common Voice
SUBJECT: An original parody by Tim Smith.

From: The Center for Convergent Inanities
Many who have followed the news of both the music industry and international terrorism have made connections regarding the true identities of certain rock musicians and the world of international terrorism.
Example #1: Many astute observers have noted that not only did ex-Beatle Ringo Starr dabble in eastern religions, but that there is no recorded case of both he and international terrorist leader / Nobel Prize winner, Yasir Arafat ever being seen in public at the same time! Coincidence? I think not!
Example #2: Many of those same keen news hawks have wondered what had become of ex-pop / rock star, Cat Stevens, since his conversion to Fundamentalist Islam led him to drop from public view, renounce his former decadent lifestyle, and completely remove his music from the public domain.
With the unwelcome central place that events in Afghanistan have taken on the world stage, most believe that we now may have an answer to that puzzle.

Fact: Even ignoring the uncanny resemblance between Mr. Stevens and terrorist leader Osama bin Ladin, and the habit of both men to sport turbans, no one has ever seen or photographed these men together.
In light of this startling possibility, a piece of information has come to light that may just nail down this revelation.

The following is a transcribed translation of a song that is receiving lots of air time on Taliban Radio (WRUN!!!), Kabul’s hottest (at least until the rubble stops smoking) radio station.

“Cruise Missile”
By Catsama bin Stevens
(Sung to the tune of “Moonshadow”, best
accompanied by the sound of a B-52
dropping a stick of 500-pounders)
I’m being followed by a cruise missile,
cruise missile, cruise missile!
Leaping and hopping from a cruise missile,
cruise missile, cruise missile!
Oh if I ever lose my eyes
all my colors all run dry.
Oh if I ever lose my eyes, Oh i-i-f
I won’t have to cry no more!
I’m being followed by the Special Forces
Special Forces, Special Forces!
Running and hiding from the Special Forces
Special Forces, Special Forces!
Oh if I ever lose my mouth
all my teeth, north and south.
Oh if I ever lose my mouth, Oh i-i-f
I won’t have to lie no more!
I’m being followed by George Dubya
George Dubya, George Dubya!
Ducking and dodging from George Dubya
George Dubya, George Dubya!
Oh this guy’s not at all like Bill
playin’ for keeps and out to kill.
Oh this guy’s not at all like Bill, Oh I-I-I-I
I wish I had messed with Bill!
I’m being followed by a “bunker-buster”
bunker-buster, bunker-buster!
Tunneling and cowering from a “bunker-buster”
bunker-buster, bunker-buster!
Oh if my bunkers all get busted
all the walls, Catsama-encrusted.
Oh if my bunkers all get busted, Oh i-i-f
I won’t have to run no more!

Note: at this point the transmission ends as a result of the station’s power source (a 12 volt truck battery) giving out. But we think the point has been made.

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