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October 25, 2006 | South Carolina Headlines


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Author (last 7 days)

My Almost-Not-Quite Interview With 'The Bear'


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New Democratic Political Strategy
Jimmy Moore
November 7, 2002

Sen. Tom Daschle, Rep. Richard Gephardt, National Democratic Party Chairman Terry McAuliffe and former President Bill Clinton got together for a post-2002 election strategy meeting on Wednesday night. They talked about what went wrong in Tuesdayís elections and what the future holds for the Democratic Party.

Letís eavesdrop in on their conversation...

DASCHLE: What do you mean we should have done more? We did all we could to scare people into voting against Republicans?

GEPHARDT: Yeah, we told them how bad the economy was and how the Republicans wanted to put Social Security at risk in the stock market.

MCAULIFFE: But the voters didnít buy it this time! (begins sobbing)

CLINTON: Oh, stop your crying, Terrence. Iíll tell you why voters didnít buy it. The Democratic candidates didnít show enough sincerity when they talked about these issues. When I was your President, I made sure I shed at least one tear every time I talked to people. The chicks really dig that, you know! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

MCAULIFFE: You always were the ladies man, Bill. So now what are we going to do?

GEPHARDT: The only thing we can do after such a severe butt whooping...

DASCHLE: Start campaigning for 2004 right away. We have to begin portraying President Bush and both houses of Congress as dictators who want to force their agenda on the American people.

GEPHARDT: Yeah, we need to make the people of this country believe that every problem that happens between now and the 2004 elections is the Republicanís fault. Regardless of the issue, if it is a problem in America, then it is all because of the Republicans who are in control of everything.

MCAULIFFE: Donít remind me of that, Dick. (starts sobbing again) My head hurts just thinking about it.

CLINTON: There is a way you can feel better, my fellow socialists friends!

DASCHLE: How can we do that, King Bill?

MCAULIFFE: Yeah, how can it get any better for us?

GEPHARDT: Actually, how can it get any worse?!

CLINTON: Itís funny you should say that, Dick. How about making Clinton the Democratic nominee for President in 2004?

MCAULIFFE: Bill, even you know that you are not allowed to be President again because of the limitations placed on you by the U. S. Constitution.

DASCHLE: Besides, you are the one who got us in this mess we are in because we followed your strategy for success.


CLINTON: Hey, donít start blaming me for your losses. I won my two terms as President. And donít start changing the subject on me neither. I still want Clinton to be the Democratic nominee for President of the United States in 2004.

MCAULIFFE: Must we go over that aga...heeeeeyyyy, wait a minute. Actually, that is a great idea.


MCAULIFFE: Yes, we can run Clinton and argue in the federal courts that he should be the nominee since he is the only viable candidate weíve got to go against Bush! After what happened in the races this year with our replacement candidates, a precedent has already been set.

GEPHARDT: But what about me?

MCAULIFFE: What about you, Tricky Dick?

GEPHARDT: What if I want to run for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States? After all, that is why I am stepping down as the Democratic leader in the U. S. House of Represenatives tomorrow.

MCAULIFFE, DASCHLE and CLINTON: (uncontrollable laughter, then silence)

GEPHARDT: What? At least Iíd have a better chance of beating the illegitimate President Bush than Al ďBore Me MoreĒ Gore.

DASCHLE: First, youíd have to get past ME, though?

GEPHARDT: (whining) But, Tom...thatís not fair, I said I was running first...

MCAULIFFE: Gentlemen, please. I do believe Bill said he would like to run again before either of you spoke up.

CLINTON: Actually...

MCAULIFFE: Furthermore, he is about the only good thing that the Democratic Party has going for it in 21st Century politics.

CLINTON: But, Terry...

MCAULIFFE: No, Bill, you have nothing to be humble about. Your accomplishments will go down in the history books.

CLINTON: I know that my legacy is secure in the annals of history (to himself) Especially with those hotties I had in the Oval Office (back to the conversation) but I was not planning on running for President again.

DASCHLE: (sounding relieved) You werenít?!

GEPHARDT: But I thought you said...

CLINTON: What I said was that I wanted Clinton to be the Democratic nominee for President in 2004.

MCAULIFFE: Hey Bill, I didnít know George Clinton was a Democrat, though.

CLINTON: No, you nincompoop, Iím talking about Hillary! You know, the 42nd President of the United, I mean the First Lady of the 42nd President. If she were elected, I guess that would make me the first First Husband. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Of course, that depends a lot on whether we stay together or not...

DASCHLE: Oh, look at the time.

GEPHARDT: Yeah, itís getting late and thereís a lot of campaigning to do.

DASCHLE: Just donít get in my way.

MCAULIFFE: Calm down Dick and Tom. The Great Bill has spoken. When he speaks...(silence a la the old E. F. Hutton commercials)

Meanwhile, down in South Carolina the Democrats had this to say:

JIM HODGES: Thereís something screwy going on around here...

DICK HARPOOTLIAN: Iíll get you now my little pretty...Iím melting!

KEVIN GEDDINGS: I am not a new website is

ALEX SANDERS: Bde-bde-bde, thatís all folks! Yaíll come back now, ya hear!

FRITZ HOLLINGS: There's a whole lotta Republican votin' goin' on out there, out there...

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